Medicine of Immortality "It's a cold, and it's a broken, 'Hallelujah!'"

HonestyPosted by Rachel on June 3rd, 2010

So, since my life is pretty boring, I’ve decided to blog a lot lately about some of my thoughts on topics. I used to have a lot more to say about day-to-day life, but things are pretty much the same every day now. Which isn’t something I’m complaining about — it’s just a fact. I’ve turned my thoughts to honesty lately. I’ve been wanting to write a little bit about it for quite some time.

Christian honesty means putting what’s right above what’s polite. By this, I don’t mean that if you think someone has really bad breath and you choose not to tell them to put a tic tac in their mouth, you’re being dishonest. What I mean is that we should not let our own desire to be liked by others determine how honest we choose to be with them. We fear that our honesty might drive others away from us, cause offense, or make us look bad. But Christian honesty calls us to do what’s right above what’s comfortable.

I’ve known people to claim that they are 100% honest in relationships, and become very defensive when their honesty is called into question. I’ve been one of them. But truthfully, anyone who claims that they are always honest has just lied.

I do believe that some people are more honest than others. I think the least honest people are those who also come off as the nicest people. They care about pleasing people more than telling hard truths. This is a struggle that I face.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

I’m not trying to knock nice people — there are some people in existence who really truly just are kindhearted, with hardly a negative remark to say about anything or anybody. Although sometimes these people may not be highly discerning people, their problem isn’t necessarily that they are being continually dishonest and fake with their nice personalities. And the world needs some people like that.

Gossip is a form of dishonesty that people don’t often think about it. We’re often not willing to risk our own relationships with people, so we won’t directly confront anyone. Instead, we vent our grievances or frustrations to others, and then put on a smile in front of the people we’ve just gossiped about and not think much of it. If you struggle with gossip, you struggle with honesty. If you have gossiped about someone, you’ve been dishonest with them.

Think about why you gossip (if you do): you have a real problem with someone, but you don’t want to hurt their feelings, so you go and talk to another friend about them. Once you’ve done that, you’ve already proven by the fact that you’ve gossiped that your motive was not to love that person: it was to spare yourself the awkwardness and guilt of making them feel bad and making them possibly be offended and angry at you. Your main interest was yourself.

That said, I don’t believe in order to be fully honest with others, we need to bring up every little thing that bothers us about others. But what I try to go by is this principle: if it is not a big enough issue to confront them about, it is not a big enough issue to gossip about. Period. I try to follow this advice.

I don’t think we as humans can really ever claim that we’ve never been dishonest or never will be in the future. We all struggle with it to some degree because we are sinners. Especially for people like myself who fret over what others may think of them, dishonesty can come in the form of trying to put on a certain face in front of a certain type of person in order to earn their good opinion. Being honest means presenting yourself as the same person to everyone, no matter the scene, and knowing that God’s good opinion is all that matters.

Disclaimer: I feel like this is all a bit disjointed, but hopefully makes sense. My thoughts are all a little fragmented lately, but writing them out help me to figure out the whole thought that is being formed.

Faith is Not Optional for YouPosted by Rick on May 3rd, 2010

I had the opportunity to chat with an old friend today. She was stressed out because she felt one of her dearest friends was apostatizing. Her friend, who is also an acquaintance of mine, got married at an early age, had kids, and felt the burden of responsibility. From I can hear, she has come to resent many aspects of her life.

My friend asked me to blog my thoughts on the topic of Christians denying the faith. Since my friend had to leave shortly after the request, I didn’t have time to ask her the motive behind her request. Was it so my friend could be alleviated? Was she expecting me to write something so powerful that it would cause her friend to repent? I hope not the latter because I’m about to offer a poor defense of the faith. I’m not really sure what her motive, but I can say that I’m familiar with those close to me apostatizing, and I know it is one of the most PAINFUL experiences you can imagine.

This is the sort of post that I would normally make private on my blog…mostly because the topic tends to make me use curse words, and everyone knows Christians should not use curse words (in public, at least). Curse words never win people back. The only way to win back someone who is apostatizing is to make them feel bad for their apostasy and to be perfect so that they can’t criticize the faith. (That’s sarcasm for those who don’t get my demented sense of humor.)

Faith is INSANE

I guess my first thought when I hear that someone is apostatizing is usually, “I get why she doesn’t want to believe in God. Only crazy people want to be Christians.”

The truth is that most of the time, I don’t get why I am a Christian. I sometimes wonder if it’s really faith, or just a personality defect (I have a number of those). Seriously, the highlights of my day are getting on my knees to talk to a God I can’t see and 2,000 year old stories about a guy most people don’t believe in.

My priest said today that the average Christian pastor prays five minutes per day and that the average Christian doesn’t pray at all. So, even among Christians, I’m an oddball. I didn’t always pray. Back when I thought prayer was an obligation, a duty, or a tool. Then one day, it just hit me one day: The Christian life is about drawing near to God and offering what we have.

Denzel Washington is the only Christian that gets to be REALLY famous

Rachel and I were talking about our priest’s sermon today which talked a bit of persecution, and Rachel said something like, “Who wants pain? suffering? To be hurt and reviled by others? Who wants that?” Rachel knows me well enough to know that I’m salivating at this point, just waiting to shout out, “Me!” She shot back quickly, “I don’t want that. I want to be famous and tour the world, to be adored for my talent.” I replied honestly, “I don’t want that.” She correctly replied, “But you don’t have any talent!” (By now you’ve realized my wife is better at humor than me.) In truth, Rachel wants that suffering more than she realizes. All Christians do.

Christians have to be completely insane to believe in and follow God. I mean, I can understand the “health and wealth Christians” liking God. But my faith hasn’t made me famous, popular, or rich. I don’t have much money. My friends are all poor too. I’m friends with several homeless people, but every single one of my “celebrity” friends (i.e. those in TV or movies) have unfriended me on Facebook because I too boldly proclaimed biblical ethics. It’s not very politically correct. And by the world’s standards, the Christian faith is not very “nice.” I get why this faith is so unappealing.

Quite frankly, believing my faith all the time is polarizing. I think a lot of Christians forget this because they surround themselves with other Christians.

Being a Christian Mom Sucks

I write this section to my acquaintance, my friend’s dear friend. I don’t know if she’ll read this, but what I have to say is addressed directly to her. The little time I’ve spent with you was fun. You’re a beautiful person. And you’re hilarious. You cracked me up that one night all three of our families hung out together.

Much of this is an apology to my wife too because I think you share a lot in common. I don’t know everything you’re going through, but I have a small glimpse of what my wife deals with. I simultaneously adore my wife’s beauty so much that I make her feel like it’s the only thing I value while AT THE SAME TIME make her think she’s not pretty enough.

My wife is talented. Really talented. She is one of the best writers I know. She beats me in every fight, not because I give in, but because I can’t beat her in a debate. She’s smarter than me, and I detest that. She sings like an angel. She makes beautiful music on her violin.

But her life involves cleaning all day long, dealing with children who never stop talking, changing diapers, doing laundry, and trying to teach a four year old that’s smarter than me. I have to watch the kids sometimes, and about 3 hours in, comas sound appealing. On top of that, she has to deal with me getting upset over stupid things like gummy worms (don’t ask).

If she’s lucky, she’ll be able to get together with a friend to play music once a week. She never gets to write. She does get to beat me in debates fairly often, but I don’t think that’s much of a consolation.

I hardly ever tell her how great she sings or plays, how amazing her writing is, how artistically talented she is, how wonderful of a mom she is, or how much I appreciate the little things she does.

An older lady at our church stays late at church every week to clean up. I was the last one out today, so I thanked her for being faithful in doing the little things. I don’t say that stuff to my wife. I forget. I assume she knows. I expect it.

My wife is overworked and under-appreciated.

I don’t know you well. But I know you are beautiful and talented. And I know you’re tired of having just one role that you’re expected to fill. I haven’t talked to your husband, but I know how hard this is on him. I had a roommate leave the faith. That was just a roommate. I know how much the little things people say can crush my own wife’s faith.

I know they say the grass is always seems greener on the other side. It’s not. It can seem like it for awhile, but it’s not.

Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. I know that you know that. You’ve lost the Way. The path you’re on leads to destruction. The Deceiver is whispering lies. He leads to death. Jesus Christ is the Life. In Him, you live, and move, and have your being. Outside of Him, you die.

He has claimed you as His own. Do not forget that. Do not foolishly deny that.

You also have responsibilities to your family. You can cross a line with your spouse that’s irreparable. Don’t do that. How many 80 year olds do you know that regret that they didn’t party enough? Far fewer than the number of people who wish they would have spent more time with their children. You never hear a grown woman tell her mom, “I really respect that you didn’t stay home with dad. I really respect that you partied instead.”

I hardly know you, and I care for you. When I heard about the choices you’re making, my heart ached. I can’t imagine how your husband feels. Our mutual friend is hurting. Most of all, you are hurting. And I get that. But putting on a cheery Facebook profile doesn’t work for long. There’s some stuff you have to deal with. Quit wasting time. Don’t put it off.

Jesus Christ loves you. I know you think this is your decision. But your life is not your own. You were bought at a price.

Addendum: To Her Friends

From what I observe, she doesn’t really want to apostatize. She’s trying an alternative life on because her current life is not fitting very well. If she was serious about apostatizing, she’d be more public. She’s hurting. She doesn’t feel like she’s reaching her full potential. Things aren’t making a lot of sense right now, especially when you can’t step away from the burdens of life. She’s wanting you to respond with love. And you’re probably and upset. Show her the love of Christ. She’s not looking for an academic argument. She knows in her heart that the alternative life makes no more logical sense. It’s just a bit more fun and enjoyable right now. The Christian life doesn’t have to be a drag. It will have suffering and pain. But so will the other life. The difference in those two lives should be shown in love.

Rachel’s Ramblings of Randomness…Posted by Rachel on April 18th, 2010

This week has been really nice. The weather has been absolutely positively beautiful for the past three days, which is sure to put me in a good mood. I just love to soak up sunshine, smell freshly cut grass, and smile as the kids run to me every few minutes with a flower they’ve picked just for me.

The smells of spring to me are grape hyacinth, dirt, rain on pavement, food grilling outside, and, as previously mentioned, freshly cut grass. The sounds are birds singing, neighbors talking, & children playing. The sights are pretty obvious: new growth, everywhere. I think spring might be my favorite season.

We had a picnic with my family today after church. Kyrie did fine for a while but got into a bad mood when I made her get off the swing so another little girl could have a turn. She pouted and was completely uncooperative for a while and ended up sitting in time out on a park bench. I don’t think I’ve ever had to discipline her at a park before because she’s usually really happy and we don’t run into any trouble. I didn’t feel bad at all, but it did make me think. I don’t like disciplining my children in public at all. But sometimes that’s just what I have to do. And then I realized that part of the difficulty of being consistent in discipline is the fact that I shy away from doing it when we’re in a public place (not that if that weren’t an issue, I’d be 100% consistent. Ha.) I’m really uncomfortable about other people seeing how I discipline my kids because everyone has a different opinion on it and I feel like it’s an area that’s often judged by others, whether or not they’re parents. I’m not talking about any of my friends. Just strangers. I wonder if I’m the only one who perceives that. Anyway, all of this is just to say that sometimes that nagging feeling that someone who is watching might be judging can get in the way of me just parenting in the way that I think I need to.

Speaking of parenting, I’m not really that good at it. I try, I do. Well, at least sometimes I do. But lately I’ve really been struggling with being a servant. I really talked the talk when I was younger and had zero responsibilities. Now sometimes I really want to be selfish and do what I want to do and I grumble a lot about my responsibilities. I know it’s wrong, but it’s a struggle. I want to be more cheerful, and I do pray for a more cheerful and servant-like attitude. It’s somehow just so easy for me to get caught up in the things I like to do and I don’t give enough of myself to others. I’m working on it.

Every day I tell myself that I will go to bed early and wake up early and do everything perfectly and then I will be happy with myself. Why do I always set such unrealistic goals? Why am I so all-or-nothing? I need to find a happy medium where I am consistently living the faith, being a servant to my husband and children, but letting grace cover my shortcomings. Yes. I need to learn this.

I need to figure out something interesting to blog about next time.

This and thatPosted by Rachel on April 6th, 2010

I decided to devote the majority of today to cleaning. Wow. I must say, I feel a lot better now that it’s done. There are probably a few things that could still use some reorganizing, but overall, I got a lot accomplished. I now have clean, mopped floors and am feeling much better about things. Something about my personality makes it really hard for me to concentrate on anything if there’s a mess in front of me. And yet, I’ve really been slacking off on the housecleaning department. I easily get down in the dumps and then have difficulty finding the motivation to get anything done. But I forced myself to do it today, and I’m glad I did.

This is pretty big news, to me, at least: Antonio is now weaned. It’s a big deal because I went straight from nursing Kyrie to nursing Antonio without a break (in fact, there was about a month of overlap), so weaning him brings about the first real break from nursing since I first became a mom when Kyrie was born. I’ve spent 4½ years nursing and it’s very strange to suddenly not be nursing anymore. It’s very bittersweet.

I cannot wait for the weather to warm up! I’m contemplating a yard sale, but I’m not sure if I’ll go through with it. I did one last year and it wasn’t entirely unsuccessful, but it was a lot of work for what I got — and there was a lot of stuff left that I had to put back in storage. I wonder if I’d be better off just donating all the stuff I want to get rid of. I am a minimalist and I hate feeling like stuff is accumulating around our house. The less stuff we have, the easier it will be to clean up! That’s my take on it, anyway. And there are just lots of clothes and toys that are no longer needed or used, so we might as well spread the wealth.

User Levels, Private Posts, and Password ProtectionPosted by Rick on March 29th, 2010

We’ve gotten to the point where we have some things we’d like to share, but not to the whole world. So we’re saying goodbye to stalkers, and reinstating privacy settings for our blog.

For those of you who previously had an account…well, most of them have been deleted since it’s been so long since we made a private post, and we have no idea who is reading our blog these days. We only kept the accounts of those we know are reading our blog. So if you try to log into your old account, it probably won’t work.

If we deleted your account, that doesn’t mean we don’t love you. We just want to know you’re there, so by all means, start a new account. You can do that by going to the META at the bottom of the sidebar, or by clicking here. We will not add anybody who does not give their name.

Let me explain a bit about the divisions. We will mostly be using “Private Posts,” which means the post is open to all registered users. We may, at times, use “user levels.” We choose a user level for all registered members, and user levels determines what level post you can see. Our closer friends will be at higher user levels, and if we post something above your user level, you won’t see it. But we probably won’t use that feature much. The final protection is password protection, and you’ll have to email us for the password to be able to read the post. I can’t imagine we’ll ever use it, but who knows?

So that’s my spiel. If you register, and I don’t approve you, just message me. I sometimes forget people are registering, and I apparently don’t have it set to tell me when people are registering. So I may forget you…feel free to message me.

Late Night ThoughtsPosted by Rachel on March 25th, 2010

My mind tends to start spinning when the house is quiet and the minutes are creeping closer to midnight. Not sure how I got on this awful schedule, but there you have it!

Life has been interesting lately. So much has been up in the air, and yet I’m somehow feeling okay about things and learning to treasure what I’ve got and wait in hopeful expectation of whatever’s in store for us in the future.

I’ve been really encouraged lately to realize that I’ve been growing and changing and figuring out how to deal with some of my issues and insecurities. I’ve never really wanted to admit that I’m an insecure person, and have even resented if someone has implied as much to me, but looking back on the past several years, I can see how much my lack of confidence and confusion about my identity hindered me in the way of relationships. Ironically, a lot of people whom I’ve rubbed the wrong way have sensed arrogance from me, or an overly confident personality. Well, maybe I’ve struggled with arrogance, but a lot of my weaknesses are rooted in uncertainty, not being too certain or confident in myself or anything else.

I’m not sure how, but life somehow feels more simple now than it ever did, in a time when lots of things really are, if I look at them, quite confusing and unclear. But I’m finally sure of what’s important, and that’s simple. God is with us, and we are to be with Him. We are to love Him, and walk in the light. If my life on earth ends tomorrow, I feel peace about living it for God today. And if my life lasts many more years (which is my hope), I will continue to grow as God fills me to be an instrument for His glory.

Being a stay-at-home-mom has not always felt fulfilling to me, but it’s not really about me feeling fulfilled — it’s about me fulfilling my duty as a child of God, to show the example of Christ and love my children as beautiful, priceless gifts. The realization that it’s not about what I get out of it is what can turn it around to make it suddenly feel fulfilling. I don’t always feel so thankful, and I will likely get frustrated again tomorrow over something. But wiping snotty noses and counting to ten after seeing an entire box of Cheerios on the floor and listening to my 4-year-old chatterbox who just. never. stops. is part of the life God’s given me. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

We Live, We Love, We LearnPosted by Rick on March 20th, 2010

So, if anyone has known anything about our lives in the past few months, you’ll know that we had a couple of bad experiences with long-time friendships, and those experiences have brought us a lot of hurt.

The two families in question were two childhood friends of Rachel and their spouses. When Rachel and I were first getting to know each other, both couples did not support our courtship. But after things progressed, they changed their minds. Couple #1 repented. Couple #2 pretended that they had always supported us, and said that they really thought what couple #1 did was wrong. Of course, couple #2 had also shunned us, but we didn’t really care that they were trying to cover up our past since they liked us at that point.

After we got married, we moved away, and we became really close with couple #1, with them even visiting us a couple of times. After about a year, we tried really hard to get back to Spokane because we missed both Rachel’s parents and both couples. It took us three years. When we finally got back up, couples #1 and #2 had become really close. Things got tense with couple #1 soon after we moved up, in large part due to how much time we spent with them. We relaxed our relationship, things got better, but damage was done.

Over time, couple #1 made some comments that indicated that there were jealous of how much time we spent with couple #2. Of course, we were jealous of how much time couple #1 spent with couple #2. Couple #2 made comments about how they were jealous of how close we were to couple #1. A triangle of jealousy ensued. In the end, we lost out.

“Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;/Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,/The blood dimm’d tide is loosed, and everywhere/The ceremony of innocence is drowned;/The best lack all conviction, while the worst/Are full of passionate intensity.”

Things fell apart. Both relationships were damaged. And for four months, we tried repairing them. Couple #2 told us they had to pray about being our friends and would get back to us. They never did. We drove couple #1 nuts by trying to get back to a close relationship with them – something they were not able to give. We’re still trying to work on reconciliation with them, but our expectations have been drastically lowered.

Losing those two friendships hurt, but what we hadn’t realized is that we had two other sets of great friends with whom we hadn’t really worked to develop our relationships. Both were also Rachel’s childhood friends and their spouses; both remained friends and supported our relationship in its early stages. And in redeveloping those friendships, I realized that I had put up a wall with both couples #1 and #2. Because of our past history, I didn’t truly put my trust in them. In fact, I always had a deep distrust of couple #2. I used humor to deflect my true feelings a lot. I had never shared my heart in the way that I was now able to share my heart with couple #3, and to a lesser extent, couple #4. And since then, we’ve also developed friendships with 2 other couples. Couple #5 is more a fun-couple – a couple with whom we can have fun, but there is still a wall preventing anything deeper. And we’re okay with that. We’re not trying to turn it into more than it is.

Couple #6 is a set of new friends. We’ve hung out with couple #6 three weeks in a row, and I sense a great compatibility with this couple. Not only is there much commonality in interests, but I feel the same sense of brokenness. They too are in a healing process. They too are in an uncertain time. They have faced judgment. And with this brokenness and uncertainty comes an openness that goes both ways. I don’t mean a relationship that’s based on gossip about our hurts either. It’s not. It’s based on our common faith. It’s based on a willingness to say that we’re broken, hurting, fragile, vulnerable, and a little bit lost – something that’s hard for me to admit. But something that was so easy to release the first time we spent time with them.

Despite losing closeness with two sets of friends, God has used our pain to draw us closer as a couple and closer to Him. He’s provided us with friends who are, by no means, a replacement for our old friends, but who are sets of new beginnings or rejuvenations of seeds long untended.

Music to my HeartPosted by Rachel on March 15th, 2010

Recently I was able to play music with a friend, and it was wonderful. I’ve neglected my poor violin for a while now, stacking up excuses as to why I don’t pick it up often enough — for one, the kids beg me to let them play whenever I pick it up to play music — but I’m noticing that as I play more, the novelty is beginning to wear off for them and they’re giving me more space. And the more that I pick it up to play it, the more I look forward to playing it again the next day.

Music has always been an extremely important part of my life, and in many ways, I feel like it’s my second language (sometimes it feels more like my first). Music will be an integral part of my children’s education, and our home will always be filled with songs. It’s something that’s just in my heart and has been since before I can remember. In my most despairing moments, music has been a source of comfort for me. It’s always been self-revealing in a healing way, even if it’s simultaneously painful.

Sometimes I will just melt into the music, or dance without reserve, or belt out the melody, or play along on my violin…but no matter what, as long as I breathe, I want to have music.

DirtPosted by Rick on March 11th, 2010

I thought that if I just threw a post out, it might get my blogging flowing again. I’ve been trying to figure out if I really have anything to say. I thought maybe I could write something about Lent, but I feel like I’ve already talked about Lent a lot on here. Rather than blankness, the word “dirt” keeps coming to mind. So, why not? Dirt is kinda Lenten. I mean, after all, Lent is when we remember that we are dust and to dust we will return. So, we’ll start with dirt.

One doesn’t have to go very far before seeing dirt in the Scriptures. In the first chapter of Genesis, God separates the waters by an expanse, or firmament, and then gathers the waters under the firmament, so that dry land appears. What we’re left with is dirt and water (where the Spirit hovers): “And God saw that it was good.”

By the second chapter of Genesis, “the LORD God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature.” So human beings are basically piles of dirt infused with “the breath of life” (i.e. the Spirit of God). “Adam” literally means “of the dirt.”

God sets Adam, a pile of dirt, in a garden (a place where life springs up from dirt). This garden is on another huge pile of dirt—a mountain. We can discern that the garden is on a mountain because of our other prominent element—water (Spirit), which flows down in four rivers.Since four rivers went out from Eden, it is safe to say that Eden was elevated, and that the garden, though not at the top of the mountain, was on the mountain.

Furthermore, mountains play a significant role in the Scriptures, for they are where God meets His people. As James B. Jordan points out, “Abraham offered Isaac on Mount Moriah (Genesis 22:2); Moses received the law on Mount Sinai (Exodus 19-24); Elijah defeated Baal on Mount Carmel (1 Kings 18) and received his commission renewed on Mount Sinai (1 Kings 19); Jesus preached His definitive sermon on a mount (Matthew 5), was transfigured on a mount (2 Peter 1:16-18), and gave his final great commission on a mountain (Matthew 28:18-20).”

In addition, Jerusalem is set in the Judean Mountains, Mt. Zion is God’s holy hill, the Church is a city on a hill, and St. John views the New Jerusalem coming from above while “carried… away in the Spirit to a mountain great and high.” In contrast to the Judeo-Christian faith, false religions offer “high places” to replace God’s true meeting places. In short, mountains are ladders to heaven—points where heaven and earth intersect, and God meets us.

Moreover, altars are little mountains and ladders to heaven: “Abraham’s altars were probably just pillars made up of stone and earth, but what they symbolize is set out for us in an important vision in Ezekiel 33.” Ezekiel describes a pyramid with the top part literally called, “the Mountain of God.” Throughout the Old Testament, these altars grow until they fill the whole earth. As such, the whole sacrificial system is about meeting God and communing with Him—a movement from earth to heaven—and heaven eventually overtaking earth.

In the same vein, Moses builds an altar at the foot of a mountain. This altar serves as a gateway to God. The sacrificial order set out in Leviticus 1-3. An adam brings the bloody sacrifices near, and in union with the animal goes up to God, offering the Tribute through his accepted soul (nefesh).

The Mosaic Tabernacle structure also serves as a type of heavens and earth. The Holy Place would symbolically be the midpoint of the mountain where the elders (lampstand/Aaronic priesthood) would commune with God in a meal (facebread). Only the high priest would be allowed to enter the Most Holy Place, the top of the mountain. The Temple at Mt. Moriah would have similar connotations. Mountains are about worship. Dirt is used for worshipping.

We are homo adorans – worshipping man – precisely because we are dirt. We are ladders to God. We are altars—living sacrifices. We are tabernacles, where God dwells. We are temples, and the Holy Spirit is in us. We are part of the Holy Mountain, the Sacrifice, and the one true Temple. So we are dust, and to dust we shall return…but only for a little bit.

That’s all the dirt I got for the moment.