May Flowers

Yesterday as I was driving to the library, I noticed that Hamblen Park was in full bloom, and made a mental note to take a few pictures there. Kyrie and Antonio both went to spend the night at Grandma’s, so Epiphany and I decided to make a date of it this afternoon before going to pick them up. I think we will be going back soon with all the kids. I know that Kyrie would love to run along the paths. All the flowers make it feel a little magical. I just love spring!

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Sunshine

Spring always seems to take a long time to arrive here in Spokane. This year, for instance, we were greeted with snow on the first day of April, which was apt. But when the warmth and the sunshine finally comes, it makes it all the sweeter. We’ve been taking full advantage of these warm, summery days, because we know they won’t stick around forever. In fact, it’s supposed to cool down later this week and rain, but we’re not thinking about that right now.

Right now we’re just thinking about the sunshine.

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Sweet Baby

It is still hard to believe that over a year has passed since I first held my baby girl in my arms! In many ways, Epiphany still looks and acts much like a baby; in others, it’s difficult to deny all the ways in which she’s leaving babyhood behind. She runs everywhere, doing her best to keep up with her older siblings. She doesn’t do much talking yet, but every now and then, she’ll attempt a new word. She keeps me quite busy, and is getting into everything these days. Moments that are quiet and calm are cherished by us both. I love those moments where time can slow down just a little, and I can savor all the little things about her that remind me that she is still my baby.

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A Trip to the “Duck Pond”

Every spring, there’s a little pond that forms next to the Shopko parking lot. We’re within walking distance of Shopko, and I’d been promising the kids that one day we’d walk over there to see the ducks. Yesterday was a warm, sunny day, so I made good on that promise. The kids loved it! Of course, a duck pond by Shopko can’t really compare to the duck pond at Manito, but can you beat being able to walk there in five minutes? Of course not. Maybe next time we’ll bring some bread crumbs to feed them.

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My Favorite New Thing

A few days ago, a canvas print that I’d ordered of the kids arrived in the mail. I am so happy with how it looks! I just love the look of the photo on a canvas, and I would love to someday get another one, maybe in black and white, to hang in the master bedroom. This one hangs in our living room above our couch. It makes me happy to be able to show off our beautiful kids to everyone who enters our house! I know, as if I didn’t have enough photos of them plastered on our walls—but this one is really special.

I ordered this print from canvasondemand.com. I got a Groupon for 70% off, and will be on the look-out for more deals like this. I’d love to build my collection of canvas prints to decorate my walls with memories.

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Epiphany’s Birthday

Two days ago, my baby girl turned one! It’s hard to believe that it’s been a year already that she’s been on the outside, but at the same time, it feels like she’s always been here with us. She fits so perfectly in our family that it’s hard to imagine life without her. Epiphany Joy certainly lives up to her name, and I am so thankful to God that He has chosen to give me such a priceless gift.

Even though it took her a full minute, she blew out her own birthday candle by herself. And quickly after that, she started devouring her pink flower cupcake. I loved making these for her birthday celebration.

The theme of the party was flowers. Since she is my spring baby, I wanted bright, fresh colors and flowers everywhere.

Reflecting on this past year with Epiphany fills my heart with gratitude. Happy birthday, Epiphany! May God bless you with many more to come!

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Dreams of Songs and Curses

I recently read an article on the history of sleep. Apparently, before the 17th century, people would sleep in two four hour shifts, staying awake 1-2 hours, and often spending that time pondering their dreams. About an hour ago, I woke up from a dream which I’ve been pondering for the last hour, and I don’t think I’ll be able to go to sleep without writing my thoughts.

In my dream, a young woman I know was uttering a complaint to me, and as she stuttered through her complaint, it came out as a song; the others around us heard only a beautiful song.

As I replied back, I took a more measured approach, acknowledging her criticism, but assuring her that things were not as bad as she said, that she had misunderstood the nature of the people and institution about which she was complaining. The people around us scolded me for my negativity and not recognizing her song. The more I tried to explain, the worse my explanation was received. Fast forward ten years, and someone brings up this occasion as a critique of my negativity, and I am silent. This other person wipes their mouth with a napkin and leaves the room in disgust. End dream.

As I ponder this, I feel it must be a metaphor for something that happened a few months ago. A few months ago, someone brought up an experience I had at a church nearly a decade ago. I am not sure they realized the experience was from nearly a decade ago, but they had received some one-sided information. They had heard I had not fit in another church. At the time, I kind of ate it because I felt that no matter how I tried to explain it, the result would be more misunderstanding. I don’t get flustered often, but I tend to get flustered when trying to communicate with certain people, and when I get flustered, I tend to make little sense.

Those of you who read my blog a decade ago lived through that church experience with me. Though I didn’t talk about the details, my frustration came out. A decade ago, I moved across the country and joined a church. Before I ever arrived, some within the church had heard an earful about me from other people who had never known me (I know this because these people got to know me later and apologized). I was only at the church for seven months, but my time at that church was miserable. No matter what I said, it was taken in light of the false information they had on me. No effective communication took place in that situation because of their bias and my frustration.

I received disturbing letters from the congregation. A main area of criticism was my relationship with Rachel. On one occasion, my pastor reported to me that someone from a sister church had seen Rachel and I sitting on the couch in a lobby, and by the way we were sitting, the person judged, “If they’re sitting that closely on a couch, I can only imagine what they’re doing in the bedroom.” Now I find it disturbing that he’d want to imagine that, but the ghettoized Reformed theology of the church drove the people’s view of pre-marital relationships. In truth, Rachel and I weren’t making out (or even kissing) or sitting on each other’s laps. We were simply close to each other. On another occasion, a church member wrote a letter to my father-in-law about Rachel and my public display of affection at church. The offense? While we were sitting in church, our shoulders were touching. Things got worse when my roommate was excommunicated. Somehow I got associated with his ways. Though each week was drudgery, I did not want to leave the church for the wrong reasons.

I ended up leaving that church after seven months because another church asked me to lead worship on Wednesdays and assist leading on Sundays. For awhile, leaving only intensified the reaction I got from the old church’s members. But eventually, I started to receive apology letters from members of the church for the way they had treated me. Some, of course, never acknowledged their wrong, and unfortunately, the repercussions of that experience followed me to the conversation I had a couple of months ago.

When I went into CPE at St. Luke’s, I spent time exploring this phenomenon in my life; in fact, it was the main focus of my self-reflection. What I learned is that poor communication often reflects both the communicator and the audience. I’m trying to make peace with this, but when the repercussions follow me (or precede me to my next life situation), it is frustrating. It is difficult to be misunderstood and even harder when those around you are perceived as beautiful singers of speech. Every time I think I am working through my frustration, something else arises that brings it back. I just wish it wouldn’t happen in the middle of my attempts at sleep.

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March 2nd – 6th

3/2 – If it all came back around to you, would it help you or hurt you?
What is this supposed to mean? I guess I don’t do well with vague questions.

3/3 – If you had the chance to go back in time and change one thing would you do it?
Probably not.

3/4 – If a doctor gave you five years to live, what would you try to accomplish?
Well, I’d first acknowledge that the doctor isn’t God. I’d also probably just try to spend as much time as possible among my loved ones, and in worship, which is where I feel I am living fully.

3/5 – What is the difference between falling in love and being in love?
One is falling and the other is being. C’mon now.

3/6 – Who do you think stands between you and happiness?
I don’t think a person stands between me and happiness. I am usually happy, but when I am not, it could be for a variety of reasons—some legitimate, and some due to my own sinfulness or, perhaps, someone else’s.

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2/25 – 3/1

2/25 – What lifts your spirits when life gets you down?
Spending time with a friend, listening to music, making music, worship.

2/26 – Have you ever regretted something you did not say or do?
Yes. More often, I’ve regretted things that I have said or done.

2/27 – Has your greatest fear ever come true?
No, and I pray it never does!

2/28 – Why do we think of others the most when they’re gone?
I don’t know if I think of others more after they’re gone, but I’m sure it’s because we take things and people for granted when we have them, and realize how important they are/were only after they are gone.

2/29 – What is your most beloved childhood memory?
Taking an early morning walk on the beach with friends; spending hours and hours in the great outdoors.

3/1 – Is it more important to love or be loved?
It is important for everyone to both love and to be loved, but it is most important for each of us to focus on how much we love, rather than how much we are loved.

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Catching Up

2/17 – What is the one thing you would most like to change about the world?
One thing? There are many, but honestly, I think that if our hearts were filled with gratitude, it would result in a domino effect of many other good things—love for others, contentment, generosity, mercy, and joy. A world filled with people that have those characteristics would definitely be a better one. Obviously, I believe that all those good things come from God, and knowing and seeking Him, so that would be an important foundation, but to answer in a more generic way, I’d say that people would be filled with gratitude.

2/18 – Where do you find inspiration?
In many things, but mostly in music. I also often feel inspired by the beauty of the world that God made.

2/19 – Can you describe your life in a six word sentence?
Happy or sad, held in Love.

2/20 – If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
Well, because mistakes are still mistakes. Even if good comes from them, that doesn’t make them good. Also, because learning from mistakes can be painful.

2/21 – What impact do you want to leave on the world?
Um, a good impact? I don’t really think of myself as being someone who would leave much impact…but I would hope to be remembered as a loving, kind, and merciful person who had a strong faith in God.

2/22 – What is the most defining moment of your life thus far?
I don’t think I could pick just one. There are too many that have changed me in such significant ways. Falling in love, getting married, giving birth, raising children, going through hardships…they’ve all been such huge parts of my life that have shaped me that I couldn’t single one moment out as being the most defining.

2/23 – In the haste of your daily life, what are you not seeing?
I am probably not seeing as many of the sweet moments of my kids being kids as I should.

2/24 – If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
Various reasons: fear, laziness, lack of self-control, lack of ability, etc.

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