Late Night ThoughtsPosted by Rachel on March 25th, 2010
My mind tends to start spinning when the house is quiet and the minutes are creeping closer to midnight. Not sure how I got on this awful schedule, but there you have it!
Life has been interesting lately. So much has been up in the air, and yet I’m somehow feeling okay about things and learning to treasure what I’ve got and wait in hopeful expectation of whatever’s in store for us in the future.
I’ve been really encouraged lately to realize that I’ve been growing and changing and figuring out how to deal with some of my issues and insecurities. I’ve never really wanted to admit that I’m an insecure person, and have even resented if someone has implied as much to me, but looking back on the past several years, I can see how much my lack of confidence and confusion about my identity hindered me in the way of relationships. Ironically, a lot of people whom I’ve rubbed the wrong way have sensed arrogance from me, or an overly confident personality. Well, maybe I’ve struggled with arrogance, but a lot of my weaknesses are rooted in uncertainty, not being too certain or confident in myself or anything else.
I’m not sure how, but life somehow feels more simple now than it ever did, in a time when lots of things really are, if I look at them, quite confusing and unclear. But I’m finally sure of what’s important, and that’s simple. God is with us, and we are to be with Him. We are to love Him, and walk in the light. If my life on earth ends tomorrow, I feel peace about living it for God today. And if my life lasts many more years (which is my hope), I will continue to grow as God fills me to be an instrument for His glory.
Being a stay-at-home-mom has not always felt fulfilling to me, but it’s not really about me feeling fulfilled—it’s about me fulfilling my duty as a child of God, to show the example of Christ and love my children as beautiful, priceless gifts. The realization that it’s not about what I get out of it is what can turn it around to make it suddenly feel fulfilling. I don’t always feel so thankful, and I will likely get frustrated again tomorrow over something. But wiping snotty noses and counting to ten after seeing an entire box of Cheerios on the floor and listening to my 4-year-old chatterbox who just. never. stops. is part of the life God’s given me. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
March 25th, 2010 at 9:20 am
I love what you say in the last paragraph. Someone once complained to me that the dream they’d always had had never materialized for them, and probably never would, and thought I couldn’t relate to their unfulfilled desires because, “You always wanted to get married and have kids! You’re doing exactly what you’ve always wanted to do!” But…well, what you said. I feel just the same way.
March 26th, 2010 at 8:01 pm
I’m glad you understand and can relate to what I’m saying! I think a lot of us moms feel this same way, too.
March 28th, 2010 at 12:37 am
I’ve so often been misunderstood in the same way that you mentioned. Overly-confident or prideful or whatever… I think it can be a way to deal with fear. At least for me.. being shy is like, I’m either painfully shy and that hurts.. or I act NOT like myself and put on this false confidence. I think there must be some sort of middle ground though. I mean some sort of realness. We have to realize who we really are. If we are shy if we are insecure or hurting. How can we know to ask God for his strength otherwise? I feel like that’s what I’ve been learning (slowly) in the last few years. I heard a testimony of a girl who was about my age and had been through all these terrible things in her life from molestation to christian gossip to rape and then as she spoke she was going through the process of dealing with breast cancer and chemo. This is what she kept saying though “Through it all, God’s grace is sufficient.” She said that she had her bad days and all, but He was there and His strength was enough. So, my first thought was “if His grace is sufficient for her in this really hard place why isn’t it enough for me just having to deal with the dishes and a dirty house and two kids?” I had my dream, yet couldn’t hardly make it through a day. I knew before the thought even finished forming in my mind though, that the reason why God’s grace wasn’t sufficient for me was not that it truly wasn’t, but that I wasn’t asking for His help. I wasn’t relying on HIS grace, I was trying to do it on my own.
Just as the overconfidence is a way to deal with things on my own (that inevitably backfires since it’s not really me) and the striving so hard to be a good housekeeper or wife is too much for me to handle.. why my children frustrate me even though they are my little dreams come true.. it’s because it doesn’t matter who you are and how good you are and what you’ve done and how hard or easy your life is because all of us need God’s strength. I’m not enough on my own. His grace IS sufficient and all we have to do is reach out to it.