3/52: Jets FAIL.

So I think I’m a day late for this week, but oh well. I have not much to report. I have a deep sense of sadness today. Not just because the Jets lost in the AFC Championship, either. The world is so broken. We just stare at it. I’m trying to do my part, but I am so small.

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Just being me.

I haven’t blogged in a while. Lately I haven’t felt like there was much to say, but if I really think about it, there’s always something to say. I just don’t always feel free to say it. Too often my words have landed me in trouble or pain. Not that I’m a mean or judgmental person, really. I mean, I know I have faults and I know that they come through in my words, either spoken or written, but I’ve actually been a pretty innocent victim multiple times (being excommunicated from a crazy church for articulating my beliefs which I still defend as right and true, losing what turned out to be fair-weather friends, etc.). It’s caused me to clam up a bit, and I don’t know that that’s a good thing. I’m pretty much the same person I’ve always been. I’m always changing in some ways, but to the core, I’m still the same person, and that’s the person God made me to be. I don’t need to be ashamed of that or try to put on different faces to please different people. I think that’s wrong.

So here’s me. I’m a little outspoken sometimes and I’m not going to apologize for it. I have my opinions and yes, some of them will make some people feel judged sometimes. And I’m not apologizing for that either. I really love people but I find them incredibly frustrating too—especially when they let their egos and pettiness get in the way of relationships. I get tired of hypocritical judgments made—and believe me, so many have been hurled not only at me but at my husband, too. Mostly I just feel sad that so many people seem to be too broken to know how to handle conflict in the way that Christ wants us to. I guess I have my own weaknesses there, too. In fact, the whole reason I’m making this attempt to “open back up” here in this blog post is because I’m finding myself falling into the trap that I think a lot of people do, which is to just say “screw it” and run and hide when there’s some kind of conflict that happens. I haven’t had any sort of personal conflict happen in my life lately, but I can feel that mentality creeping up on me. And I can’t let that happen when that’s exactly how I was hurt one and a half years ago.

I will say that I don’t pursue friendships in the way I once did, and I’m not sure that’s an entirely bad thing. I think I may have been too pushy before. I know how that healthy friendships are always two-way streets and so I really don’t want to waste effort on someone who won’t give me the time of day. Looking back I realize the friend who I thought was so special and dear really didn’t do much in trying to get together with me. I was doing a lot of the leg work. Unfortunately, I’ve also found that there just aren’t a lot of people (at least around here) that are willing or able to put much of their time into cultivating a friendship. Rick and I have talked about how we seem to be more friend-oriented than a lot of young families. So many young families seem to get so wrapped up in just being a family, and forget that their lives extend beyond that, and that God really wants us all to live in community. Others over-extend themselves by committing to a bunch of activities but don’t leave room for simple relationships within the community.

Okay…that’s enough of my random thoughts spewed onto a blog post for now. This felt good. Maybe I’ll come back soon.

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2/52: Portlandia

Week 2, and I’m still here. With the added challenge of vacation in Portland, I’m a bit surprised. I got a call saying that we’re in at the new place. We just have to put down a deposit. Yay.

It’s been a busy week at the Macphersons. I absolutely love Portland. The girls went out last night, so today is guy’s night out. Looking to see if I can find good mexican before we leave.

I did have my interview at Providence, but didn’t get the position. They said lots of positive things: that they felt I had a strong call, that I was mature and patient, that I was more open than a lot of 60 year olds, that I was bright and articulate. They had only one negative—that I need to further “integrate my past.” I didn’t quite understand all she meant by that, but her description was kinda like, “You should try to do some therapy to understand the ways you were negatively affected by your past history.” She’s right. I don’t tend to dwell on ways I’ve been wronged or given the short stick. I think she was trying to see how woundedness would help me in my ministry, but the things she was asking me about were not the things that have really wounded me in life. I’m much more wounded by the loss of recent friendships than the loss of my father. But she had mentioned that she was affected in several ways when her father left her—things like a sense of abandonment. I never had a sense of abandonment. Anyway, something I need to explore.

We’re going home tomorrow, and hopefully we’ll get in town early enough to get our deposit down tomorrow.

Okay, good enough. 50 more weeks to go.

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So I’m thinking that I should try to blog more often. I keep saying that, but end up posting every six weeks, so I am going to try a Blog 52, and see if I can’t blog once a week.

Not much is going on in life.

House: We’re looking at renting a new place in Spokane on 51st and Regal, This would greatly reduce our travel around Spokane. 4 hours of driving to Harbor Crest and Glen would be reduced to about 20 minutes. The place fits our needs perfectly, but we’re not sure if the current tenants are vacating as quickly as we would like.

Travel: We’re planning on going to Portland on Saturday to see our friends, the MacPhersons. I’m hoping to get a little reading done while Matt is at work, but somehow I don’t see this happening. We’re looking forward to visiting St. Matthew’s Anglican. I’ll also be interviewing for a residency in Portland while we’re down there.

Reading: I’m using the break to get ahead on my readings. I have six more books to read and 25 more hours of lecture to go through for the first sub-term, and then I’ll start reading for the 2nd sub-term. I’m also reading to prep a series on Hebrews at Harbor Crest starting in two weeks.

Friends: It looks we have a night with friends playing Settlers of Catan and an Epiphany party on the schedule before we leave town. That’s not a bad week.

51 more weeks to go.

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