Medicine of Immortality "It's a cold, and it's a broken, 'Hallelujah!'"

Return to Sender: Address UnknownPosted by Rick on August 6th, 2011

One of the things I have struggled with in Spokane is revealing my personality. I have a picture of Spokanites as generally more reserved and proper, and well, I’m not. When I first moved to Spokane, I had the cards stacked against me for a number of reasons which those close to me know, and I basically stuffed my personality. This resulted in a different conception of my personality by those around me. I’m naturally a very fun-loving, service-oriented, humor-filled kind of guy. Spokane Rick is grumpy, passive aggressive, angry, a bit offensive, and very jaded. I don’t blame this on Spokane or the people I know in Spokane, but on what I have allowed myself to reveal and my internal feelings and conflict.

I tried to talk theology and calling with a lot of people in Spokane, but I always felt like they were either trying to teach me a lesson or they thought I was crazy. The only exception to that was our assistant priest, Fr. Jeff, who was very busy, and now is limited by esophageal cancer. While there were many people hit hard by his diagnosis, including a large part of his family, I am not sure if anyone realized how hard that hit me – and I feel really selfish even mentioning it because so many people there were closer to him, but my few talks with Fr. Jeff about spiritual direction were one of the first times I felt really heard in Spokane. I felt a glimmer of hope amidst my judgments. He listened without pushing me, and I could leave a talk with him without feeling judged. He gave me gentle guidance and really helped me discern the Spirit’s movement in my life.

I went to Boise with a more open spirit than I’ve ever given Spokane. One of the first things that happened in coming to Boise, is I met the Jutzys. The Jutzys are my kind of people, and I felt very comfortable talking with Dr. Jutzy and his wife. Dr. Jutzy has a passion for service and theology, which I find to be an all too rare combination. For the first time in a long time, I found a friend who would go into the deep weird of theology as well as serve alongside me in a soup kitchen. His wife, Lana, has been a friend of humor. She has both high standards, and can laugh at herself. And she can laugh at me, and I can laugh at her – and no one gets offended. Lana leads the music at Grace. In the first few weeks, I gave Lana a hard time about her lack of willingness to delve into anything but classical and traditional Anglican music. I personally love a wide variety of music – such as my wife describes a couple of posts below here. But when my grandpa died on a Saturday night, the music was a great solace the next morning. A praise chorus or contemporary hymn would have made me quite angry that morning.

I was initially jolted by Grace’s tendency toward Anglo-Catholicism. I am not Anglo-Catholic, and I have found many Anglo-Catholics I have met to be arrogant about the ways things are done, but what I found was a church that was very humble about its liturgy. The first time I heard the prayers of the people, I was jolted by the fervent prayers. The congregation prayed with determination, as if God would really answer their prayers. It was like taking the vulnerable prayers of my private prayer life and putting them out in the open.

Then I began getting to know other people in the church. Fr. David was always asking me about my chaplaincy work and always helping me discern the Spirit’s work in my life and work. He has led the congregation to lay hands on me three times in ten weeks – how could I not become more aware of the Spirit? Dr. Jutzy, Fr. Baker, and Deacon Mason have been a bit of a discernment committee for me in the last ten weeks. They have been a great encouragement through both their words and examples. I have to admit I came down to Boise with great skepticism about this 35 member Anglo-Catholic church. But what I’ve seen is intense service, prayer, and humility. I see a group making a real impact on others, not just themselves. I came thinking our church in Spokane was their example, but I think that in many ways, they can be our example – that we can both be an example to each other, in different ways.

My work in CPE has also been very helpful in my own self-awareness. After resolving a personal conflict and an interpersonal conflict in week 5 of CPE, the real Rick came out. My group noticed a huge shift. My supervisor noticed a shift. I noticed a huge shift. I felt so unburdened for the first time in a long while. I felt like…me. The guy who I was before I ever moved to Spokane.

So here I am, with a new sense of self-awareness and a new awareness of the Spirit’s direction in my life, and I will be returning to Spokane in a week, for probably just nine months. I am wondering how I can redeem that time and be the best family member I can be and be the best church member I can be at Christ the King. I am thinking about all the insecurities I have about judgment from others and paranoia I have about people not liking me there, and the disconnect I have created between myself and my church, and I am wondering how I can overcome them and just be me. Because I don’t think people there know me. I approach this task with eagerness and trepidation, mostly trepidation, but I am looking forward to seeing those I love.