Life has been interesting lately. So much has been up in the air, and yet I’m somehow feeling okay about things and learning to treasure what I’ve got and wait in hopeful expectation of whatever’s in store for us in the future.

I’ve been really encouraged lately to realize that I’ve been growing and changing and figuring out how to deal with some of my issues and insecurities. I’ve never really wanted to admit that I’m an insecure person, and have even resented if someone has implied as much to me, but looking back on the past several years, I can see how much my lack of confidence and confusion about my identity hindered me in the way of relationships. Ironically, a lot of people whom I’ve rubbed the wrong way have sensed arrogance from me, or an overly confident personality. Well, maybe I’ve struggled with arrogance, but a lot of my weaknesses are rooted in uncertainty, not being too certain or confident in myself or anything else.

I’m not sure how, but life somehow feels more simple now than it ever did, in a time when lots of things really are, if I look at them, quite confusing and unclear. But I’m finally sure of what’s important, and that’s simple. God is with us, and we are to be with Him. We are to love Him, and walk in the light. If my life on earth ends tomorrow, I feel peace about living it for God today. And if my life lasts many more years (which is my hope), I will continue to grow as God fills me to be an instrument for His glory.

Being a stay-at-home-mom has not always felt fulfilling to me, but it’s not really about me feeling fulfilled — it’s about me fulfilling my duty as a child of God, to show the example of Christ and love my children as beautiful, priceless gifts. The realization that it’s not about what I get out of it is what can turn it around to make it suddenly feel fulfilling. I don’t always feel so thankful, and I will likely get frustrated again tomorrow over something. But wiping snotty noses and counting to ten after seeing an entire box of Cheerios on the floor and listening to my 4-year-old chatterbox who just. never. stops. is part of the life God’s given me. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

In September, I went through some trials that left me feeling very down and very self-absorbed with my problems. As the months have passed, I’ve found that in moments, I am able to rise above the pain, and in others, I’ve succumbed to my own weakness. God continues to be gracious and I continue to wrestle with my own sin and pray for the healing of relationships.

My family has been, as always, amazing. Rick is a constant source of comfort and encouragement, and Kyrie and Antonio fill my life with joy and moments of being as carefree as I remember being as a child. Sometimes there is no better description for my children than little angels. And goodness knows they’re not really angels — their behaviour can be exhausting and infuriating — but the love and the innocence that they display from their sweet spirits really help to lift mine. It’s such a joy to be a mom, even though I have those moments when I wonder if I really am called to be a mom. Sometimes I’m just really truly not good at it. At all.

God has been kind enough to open my eyes to friendships that have always been there, waiting for me — and introduce new friends into my life. He has never abandoned me, even when I think that He has.

It’s been difficult for me to enter into the season of Lent this year. Antonio was sick on Ash Wednesday, so I wasn’t able to attend a service. Being able to hear the words “Remember you are dust, and to dust you shall return,” while the cross is drawn in ashes on my forehead by the thumb of the priest is something that is so profound to me that I can hardly articulate my feelings about it. It helps to set the tone for the entire season. I have not chosen to give up anything specifically, nor have I conscientiously added any particular disciplines. However, I do find myself returning to the Lord, and drawing closer to Him, and seeing the sickness of my own soul and the desperation with which my whole body aches for salvation.

Me: It died. It died and went to be with Jesus.
Kyrie: *laughs* Where is Jesus?
Me: Jesus is in heaven, with the Father.
Kyrie: Where is heaven?
Me: It’s all around us. It’s here, but it’s also in another dimension.
Kyrie: Does God talk to you?
Me: Well, He talks to us in His word and through His Spirit. We can talk to him when we pray.
Kyrie: We can talk to Jesus when we pray. And we can pray to the God the Father. And we can pray to Fr. Jerry.
Me: No, we can’t pray to Fr. Jerry. We can talk to Fr. Jerry at church and when we see him. We can only pray to God. Fr. Jerry is just a nice man who teaches us about Jesus.
Kyrie: When does he teach us about Jesus.
Me: When we go to church, and he talks to us. He talks about Jesus.
Kyrie: Santa Claus doesn’t talk about Jesus. He’s just a nice guy who gives us presents.

Enjoying his little sense of humor, as he tries to do things that are silly and cute
Hearing him add a new word to his vocabulary almost daily
Watching him run as fast as he can
Observing as he plays well with his big sister
Seeing how excited he is when Papa comes home from work

Some of the most challenging aspects of parenting Antonio right now are:

Dealing with his major attitude and temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way
Trying to get him to take naps
Dealing with a clingy baby while I try to get other things done
Nursing him constantly, even though he’s 15 months old (almost!)

Some of the most fun parts of parenting Kyrie right now are:

Teaching her about letters, phonics, and reading & writing
Listening to her as she chatters constantly about everything
Seeing what a big helper she is
Enjoying all her affection (she’s very cuddly and sweet)
Seeing what a good big sister she is
Laughing at all the silly things she says
Seeing her artwork improve over time

Some of the most challenging aspects of parenting Kyrie right now are:

Dealing with her bossy nature (she’d like to think she’s in charge)
Getting her to stay in her own bed all night (we had this down pat a year ago, but regression happens)
Getting her to pay attention

Really, Kyrie has gotten to be a much easier kid, for now at least, and Antonio is becoming more challenging as he really becomes a toddler in every way, leaving babyhood behind. But part of the fun is dealing with each new phase, with everything it brings!

Kyrie’s eyes lit up as she answered the question: “Mufasa is!”

“Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who
sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying, soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous; and all for your love’s sake. Amen.”

My sleeping daughter let out a laugh when I said, “weep this night.”

Anyway, after compline tonight, both Rachel and I were singing her to sleep. It doesn’t happen very often that we both sing her to sleep together, but Kyrie stopped us in the middle of our singing to say this:

Kyrie (tapping her doll’s head): I put water on her head.
Rick: To baptize her, so she can be in Jesus?
Kyrie: Yes.
Rachel: Do you know anything about this?
Rick: Noooo.

Why do they have to grow up so fast?

Anyway, we were looking at the stations of the cross today, and I was talking to her about the station where Jesus died on the cross, and how in the next station, his mommy was sad because he died, and how in the next station, we see that he comes back to life.

After explaining all this, she said, “But I don’t want to die.”
I replied, “Well, hopefully, it won’t be for a very long time.”
She replied to me, “But I don’t want to die.”
Finally, I said, “Well, you probably won’t die until after you get old and your hair turns white.”

She seemed to think this was both preposterous and hilarious and that I wasn’t being serious anymore, and our conversation ended promptly.

*sigh* I think I might have to take up Rachel’s advice and put the kid in a helmet full-time.