The Baptism Heresy!

1. It is very dangerous to invoke the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit during the administration of baptism. This may give the less mature Christians some sort of impression that God is present and active in the rite of baptism. It is a heretical assumption to make, that by following a rite which God instituted, He will somehow bless the recipient of that rite.

2. Another danger in the act of baptism is the fact that water is used. What are we trying to do, send mixed messages about baptism? We should all know that a dry, spiritual baptism is the only efficacious one. Why waste water that we could give to thirsty people in Africa? Instead, I suggest that baptism should be carried out in such a way that the congregation stares at and scrutinizes the prospective recipient until that person understands his salvation and justification by faith alone; only at that point is he truly baptized into the covenant family.

3. Thirdly, I find it to be a threat to the gospel to use men to carry out the rite of baptism. God will save anyone if He wants to; why don’t we just let Him do His job? Seriously, we don’t want to do anything instrumental for anyone’s salvation. Now that’s the gospel.

4. I am also alarmed at how many people take their baptism seriously, as if it does anything good for them. Aren’t we causing people to trust in something other than Christ? Really, people should know by now that we’re only kidding when we baptize people. You didn’t fall for that “covenant member” line, did you?

5. Fifthly, have you people never heard about the Galatian heresy? Don’t you know what it is? It’s the heresy that we find written in Galatians 3:26-27. Duh. Anything claiming that we’ve put on Christ in baptism is obviously heretical.

6. Peter was a real theological thunder-puppy, if you know what I mean. First, he tells people to be baptized in order to be saved; then, he says baptism saves you. Peter, maybe you were the first pope! This stuff sounds pretty Romish (and therefore anti-Christian) to me.

7. Lastly, and most importantly, baptism is dangerous because it might teach people that Christianity encompasses all of the physical world as well as the spiritual. Using physical means, really! You should all be ashamed. We are all supposed to act as if we’re floating spirits, independent of physical nourishment or anything else that those unfortunate people possessing bodies need. You’re obviously not spiritual if you believe in baptism.

I rest my case.

Filed under: Rachel Eyre | 9 Comments