God is the King of kings, the Creator of the Universe. We’re tiny and insignificant. And yet we try to fit Him into our boxes of what we’d like God to be. We’d like Him to be nicer, so poof, in our minds, He’s nicer now. We’d like Him to be more tolerant, so we go to a church where the pastor paints a picture of a tolerant God in his sermons. Sometimes we’d like Him to be a democrat, maybe a republican; whatever we are, really, will do. Whatever we like. That’s who our God is. Whatever makes us comfortable. Whatever makes our friends comfortable.

But we aren’t supposed to fit God into our lives. He was merciful enough to fit us into His plan. So we should get over ourselves and fall down at His feet. And we should spend less time complaining about worship styles unless our complaint is that our worship is not biblical or glorifying to God. Because that, really, should be our concern.

I do hope this doesn’t come off in an irritated tone, because I am not irritated. Just emphatic.

Christian honesty means putting what’s right above what’s polite. By this, I don’t mean that if you think someone has really bad breath and you choose not to tell them to put a tic tac in their mouth, you’re being dishonest. What I mean is that we should not let our own desire to be liked by others determine how honest we choose to be with them. We fear that our honesty might drive others away from us, cause offense, or make us look bad. But Christian honesty calls us to do what’s right above what’s comfortable.

I’ve known people to claim that they are 100% honest in relationships, and become very defensive when their honesty is called into question. I’ve been one of them. But truthfully, anyone who claims that they are always honest has just lied.

I do believe that some people are more honest than others. I think the least honest people are those who also come off as the nicest people. They care about pleasing people more than telling hard truths. This is a struggle that I face.

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

I’m not trying to knock nice people — there are some people in existence who really truly just are kindhearted, with hardly a negative remark to say about anything or anybody. Although sometimes these people may not be highly discerning people, their problem isn’t necessarily that they are being continually dishonest and fake with their nice personalities. And the world needs some people like that.

Gossip is a form of dishonesty that people don’t often think about it. We’re often not willing to risk our own relationships with people, so we won’t directly confront anyone. Instead, we vent our grievances or frustrations to others, and then put on a smile in front of the people we’ve just gossiped about and not think much of it. If you struggle with gossip, you struggle with honesty. If you have gossiped about someone, you’ve been dishonest with them.

Think about why you gossip (if you do): you have a real problem with someone, but you don’t want to hurt their feelings, so you go and talk to another friend about them. Once you’ve done that, you’ve already proven by the fact that you’ve gossiped that your motive was not to love that person: it was to spare yourself the awkwardness and guilt of making them feel bad and making them possibly be offended and angry at you. Your main interest was yourself.

That said, I don’t believe in order to be fully honest with others, we need to bring up every little thing that bothers us about others. But what I try to go by is this principle: if it is not a big enough issue to confront them about, it is not a big enough issue to gossip about. Period. I try to follow this advice.

I don’t think we as humans can really ever claim that we’ve never been dishonest or never will be in the future. We all struggle with it to some degree because we are sinners. Especially for people like myself who fret over what others may think of them, dishonesty can come in the form of trying to put on a certain face in front of a certain type of person in order to earn their good opinion. Being honest means presenting yourself as the same person to everyone, no matter the scene, and knowing that God’s good opinion is all that matters.

Disclaimer: I feel like this is all a bit disjointed, but hopefully makes sense. My thoughts are all a little fragmented lately, but writing them out help me to figure out the whole thought that is being formed.

The smells of spring to me are grape hyacinth, dirt, rain on pavement, food grilling outside, and, as previously mentioned, freshly cut grass. The sounds are birds singing, neighbors talking, & children playing. The sights are pretty obvious: new growth, everywhere. I think spring might be my favorite season.

We had a picnic with my family today after church. Kyrie did fine for a while but got into a bad mood when I made her get off the swing so another little girl could have a turn. She pouted and was completely uncooperative for a while and ended up sitting in time out on a park bench. I don’t think I’ve ever had to discipline her at a park before because she’s usually really happy and we don’t run into any trouble. I didn’t feel bad at all, but it did make me think. I don’t like disciplining my children in public at all. But sometimes that’s just what I have to do. And then I realized that part of the difficulty of being consistent in discipline is the fact that I shy away from doing it when we’re in a public place (not that if that weren’t an issue, I’d be 100% consistent. Ha.) I’m really uncomfortable about other people seeing how I discipline my kids because everyone has a different opinion on it and I feel like it’s an area that’s often judged by others, whether or not they’re parents. I’m not talking about any of my friends. Just strangers. I wonder if I’m the only one who perceives that. Anyway, all of this is just to say that sometimes that nagging feeling that someone who is watching might be judging can get in the way of me just parenting in the way that I think I need to.

Speaking of parenting, I’m not really that good at it. I try, I do. Well, at least sometimes I do. But lately I’ve really been struggling with being a servant. I really talked the talk when I was younger and had zero responsibilities. Now sometimes I really want to be selfish and do what I want to do and I grumble a lot about my responsibilities. I know it’s wrong, but it’s a struggle. I want to be more cheerful, and I do pray for a more cheerful and servant-like attitude. It’s somehow just so easy for me to get caught up in the things I like to do and I don’t give enough of myself to others. I’m working on it.

Every day I tell myself that I will go to bed early and wake up early and do everything perfectly and then I will be happy with myself. Why do I always set such unrealistic goals? Why am I so all-or-nothing? I need to find a happy medium where I am consistently living the faith, being a servant to my husband and children, but letting grace cover my shortcomings. Yes. I need to learn this.

I need to figure out something interesting to blog about next time.

This is pretty big news, to me, at least: Antonio is now weaned. It’s a big deal because I went straight from nursing Kyrie to nursing Antonio without a break (in fact, there was about a month of overlap), so weaning him brings about the first real break from nursing since I first became a mom when Kyrie was born. I’ve spent 4½ years nursing and it’s very strange to suddenly not be nursing anymore. It’s very bittersweet.

I cannot wait for the weather to warm up! I’m contemplating a yard sale, but I’m not sure if I’ll go through with it. I did one last year and it wasn’t entirely unsuccessful, but it was a lot of work for what I got — and there was a lot of stuff left that I had to put back in storage. I wonder if I’d be better off just donating all the stuff I want to get rid of. I am a minimalist and I hate feeling like stuff is accumulating around our house. The less stuff we have, the easier it will be to clean up! That’s my take on it, anyway. And there are just lots of clothes and toys that are no longer needed or used, so we might as well spread the wealth.

For those of you who previously had an account…well, most of them have been deleted since it’s been so long since we made a private post, and we have no idea who is reading our blog these days. We only kept the accounts of those we know are reading our blog. So if you try to log into your old account, it probably won’t work.

If we deleted your account, that doesn’t mean we don’t love you. We just want to know you’re there, so by all means, start a new account. You can do that by going to the META at the bottom of the sidebar, or by clicking here. We will not add anybody who does not give their name.

Let me explain a bit about the divisions. We will mostly be using “Private Posts,” which means the post is open to all registered users. We may, at times, use “user levels.” We choose a user level for all registered members, and user levels determines what level post you can see. Our closer friends will be at higher user levels, and if we post something above your user level, you won’t see it. But we probably won’t use that feature much. The final protection is password protection, and you’ll have to email us for the password to be able to read the post. I can’t imagine we’ll ever use it, but who knows?

So that’s my spiel. If you register, and I don’t approve you, just message me. I sometimes forget people are registering, and I apparently don’t have it set to tell me when people are registering. So I may forget you…feel free to message me.

Summer is almost over, so I will cherish every hour of sunlight as each day shortens, bask in the heat of the sun before it cools, and let my kids live in their swimsuits if they want to, before they have to be packed up and put in storage again. But I am also waiting in hopeful expection of the renewal that each new season brings to me. A change in the wind seems to be somehow rejuvenating to my soul. I look forward to chilly mornings, hot apple cider, crunchy, colorful leaves beneath my feet, and the feeling of transcendence amidst my utter powerlessness under the care of a loving God who guides each falling leaf to its resting place and blows the wind in the direction He chooses.

I look forward to watching my own children as they learn, grow, change, and become closer to the God who loves them. I look forward to continuing to be a part of their lives, and an influence on the people they will someday become. And somehow, the changing from one season to another is proof to me that time is ever moving along, and we are changing, and God is constant.

But even surrounded by our family and friends of our youth, I couldn’t shake a feeling that had been nagging me for several months. I felt like an outsider. And Rick and I had been making lots of effort in trying to be friends with the people we expected we’d naturally feel close to once we moved back to Spokane. But now I can see how in so many ways, we were seeking friendship in the wrong way. Our desire to be the loved ones, the special ones, was just focusing on the selfish elements of friendship.

I also realize now that I didn’t work hard enough to cultivate new friendships. Again, this was just because I was viewing the use of friendship in a selfish way. As long as I had the friends *I* wanted, I’d be fine. But I wasn’t focusing as much on *being* a friend. And not just being a friend to the people whose friendship I especially coveted, but to people who needed that friendship from me.

By choosing to focus so much on what friends I had, and not focusing on being a good friend to others, I ended up harming myself. I am beginning to realize that the things on earth I cling to so much are likely the things that will slip away from me.

I’ve learned a lot in the past few days. A lot has come to light, and I’m starting to sort out those things now. The biggest lesson that I’ve learned is that is does no good to fret over who likes me or who likes Rick, or who really wants to be our friends. What we are called to do is love God and others, and loving others doesn’t include sitting around all day worrying over who loves me.

I know that in God’s eyes, I am precious. I know that I am a sinner, and without His grace covering me, I am ugly. But while I dwell in Him, I am beautiful. And because of this truth, I have something to offer to others. I have friendship to give. And it is much better to view friendship as something that I can give than as something I want to get.

None of this is to say that friendship is now to me only something that I offer, and not something that I receive. I believe that as I have the attitude that I am giving of myself to others in friendship, I will also be blessed in the same way from them. In my marriage, I’ve found this to be especially true. The more I give, the more I feel that I receive in return.

* It is good to know that I have friends who will listen to my whining about nothingness. Sometimes it helps clear my head and reassure me that things really will be okay, even when I’m having a bad day.

* I have often looked at my kids and been struck at how quickly they change and grow, but lately, it seems as if Kyrie is growing before my very eyes. This makes me proud and very sad at the same time. I find myself thinking back on when she was a tiny, not quite eight pound little newborn, and I didn’t know that in a flash, she would be my big girl.

* I really want to take dance classes with Rick, but we don’t know what to do about finding a babysitter. We don’t even know where to look. This is disheartening.

* The pool at Shadle Park, I believe, is now open. I’m just waiting for a nice, hot day when Rick and I and the kids can go experience it. It looks wonderfully refreshing when I glance at it as we drive by.

* It is late and I’m not in bed. This is probably a really bad idea.

* Good night.

So I’ve been thinking about how much I love my family. Immediate family first, extended next. Well, and my friends, whom I really consider to be part of my extended family. But I’m focusing on my immediate family here. They bring me so much joy every day. I know, I’m one of those moms that can’t shut up about how wonderful and rewarding it is to be a mom, and how adorable and beautiful and sweet and smart my children are. But, hey, it’s true. And none of it is anything I deserve. Any good traits that my children have, I certainly can’t take credit for. Their sweet spirits remind me of the love of Christ every day. And their challenging behaviour humbles me. I see my own weaknesses in them. And I realize that I’m just the same as my challenging children. I do stupid, selfish things that I should have learned from the millions of times before that they were bad decisions. I just don’t “get” why Kyrie keeps doing something after I’ve told her not to, and then I realize that God has told me not to do things that I return to doing almost daily. And then I vow I’ll never do it again. “I don’t want to be a mom who yells,” I’ll say, and then I’ll pray and ask God to help me have endless patience with my kids. And I will try. But then someone will do something like dump out nail polish or draw with a pen on the couch or give me some major attitude or hit their sibling, and then my obedience to God goes out the window as well. I’m realizing that leading by example means a lot more than being nice to your kids so they’ll be nice to others. It means showing that you can follow your authority figures, the biggest one being God. How can I expect obedience and respect from my children when I’m not obeying my Master? And if I’m supposed to follow the example that He is setting for me, I should meet disobedience with forgiveness and compassion and lots of “second chances.” That’s not to say there aren’t punishments or consequences for wrong actions, but rather to say that they’re all done in love, or ought to be.

Singing: “When the sun came up, there was whiskey in the cup…”

Her translation of Ps. 119:103: “Your words are sweet tonight….”